So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
