i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
