Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
