just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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