Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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