saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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