he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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