the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
God, I missed his penis.
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