There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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