I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
