for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
