when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
