i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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