i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
