I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
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ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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