Please, let me fuck your mom
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
