Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
