i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
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I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...