Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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