so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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