I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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