i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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