I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
