Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
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we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
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tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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