my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
