When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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