i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
