kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
