I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
two words: eviction party
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
