This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
