man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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