It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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