I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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