How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.