I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home