Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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