Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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