She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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