it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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