i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
