In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
