Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize