I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
