I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
