There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
