Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
