Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
