he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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