Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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