life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You pole danced in your parka.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
