The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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