I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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