i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
