Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
