I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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