i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
