In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
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I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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