I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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