I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
